gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Alive.
So much puke
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
