Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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