i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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