I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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