I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i drank out of a bidet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
