my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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