we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
