I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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