I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Randomize