you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
