This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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