i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
