i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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