She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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