if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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