My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize