Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
