I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
