sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
