Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
