If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
