New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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