I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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