I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm passing your future prison.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
