May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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