Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
