I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
