I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
