i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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