Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
