he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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