I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
