I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
