I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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