i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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