I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
