Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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