Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
