dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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