when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
