You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
