Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
