Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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