so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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