Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
