You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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