The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
