i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
