Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
