smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
