she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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