Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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