i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
