He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
