I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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