Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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