if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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