toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let's get the cat blown out
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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